I realized tonight how much I could tell my mom loved me. I always know she does...but I really saw it, tonight.
After having recently moved back home, it was the first time in a while that I just let my frustrations out to my parents. I was really torn down, crying. defeated, and lost. My mom, who would normally try to fix a situation by being full of solutions & plans of action, was just pissed. She was pissed for me, she was actually pissed. I could see her feeling my pain, and frustration creeping across her face. Partly, I think, because she knew she couldn't do anything to change it, but mostly because she was watching it affect me. She was sad for me. She was hurting watching me hurt. She was feeling helpless watching me be lost. She was getting angry, because I was defeated. Because she loves me.
Sometimes it's just a funny way of seeing things.
I have a great mom.
Tuesday 15 January 2013
Sunday 6 January 2013
The Plan
So lots has been happening in my world, and I'm sure yours. My dad, who is an awesome human being, and quite healthy might I add, was diagnosed with Acute Myleoid Leukemia last month, and has been in isolation getting aggressive treatments since the day he found out. My birthday was two days after we heard, Woooo (Queue one sad birthday kazoo).
I recently moved home to save money, hopefully enough to be able to buy a place of my own in about 6 months time. My parents move south every winter, so it was a perfect opportunity, and yes I feel the need to clarify that the plan was always for them not to be home, for me to be 'helping them out' by house sitting. It makes me feel better, ok? Well, plans change now don't they, and really at times like this, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. This whole cancer thing has really shook me up inside. I feel sad, withdrawn, irritable, needy, hungry for candy. Luckily, with the holidays just behind us, being at home, and my grandmother's endless Christmas baking, there has been no shortage of reasons to be irritated, while being hungry for candy, and never disappointed.
Needless to say, I'm feeling (ok, fine - looking...) a little heavier than I'd like, but ever more so I'm feeling tired, which is not new. And if my healthy dad can get Leukemia with no family history of any cancer whatsoever, so too can I. So in true resolution fashion, I figure now's as good a time as any, to start to make better choices, and not ignore the facts. I have been reading a fantastic book called: Hungry for Change (http://www.hungryforchange.tv/) , I highly encourage anyone who struggles with food/weight to check this out. It isn't a diet, it isn't deprivation, and it isn't a fight against your body. It is one of the best educational book I have ever read. It is teaching to give your body what it needs, not what society tells it it wants, and is clearly explaining why the processed foods, of low-fat & diet varieties aren't doing sh*t for your self-esteem, body, or well-being. One of the best things I've learned so far, is the actual danger behind drinking diet sodas, and consumption of aspartame & other various sweeteners. As a self-proclaimed Diet Pepsi addict, I strongly craved at least one can a day. In the morning, I struggle to get out of bed. After lunch, (where I usually have a sandwich of some sort, & a diet pepsi) I always feel incredibly tired. I knew there was something bad about diet drinks, but never looked into it. Turns out they can be incredibly harmful to the brain, and are as, or more, addictive than heroin. I heeeeaaaaarrrrddd that sister! So step one: no more diet, low-fat, low-cal nothin'. They say that because those types of 'food' are void of any real nutritional value, you are constantly searching for more food to satisfy. That if you just ate less of items that were all natural, no matter what the fat/cal/sugar content, you would be satiated, and have more energy. Sounds rational.
All to say this Tuesday I will start my first detox for 3-7 days, to curb my addiction to sugar & chemicals. The detox consists of fresh vegetable juice, salads, soups, & snacks. Which is already looking better than slim-fast (a diet I did for my high school grad trip to Cuba which had me lose 20 lbs, still looking flabby, and only to return home to eat endless amounts of McDonalds cheesburgers to fill the void that had been lacking for the months previous and gaining 30lbs back.) and the cabbage soup diet, where again I lost weight to only gain more back.
My goal is to not stress about it, hope for the best, not stress if I slip, & just add in as many good things as I possibly can until there is no longer room for the bad. All in hopes of bringing this diet forward to my whole family for when my dad is strong enough to come home, and we can do it together.
I recently moved home to save money, hopefully enough to be able to buy a place of my own in about 6 months time. My parents move south every winter, so it was a perfect opportunity, and yes I feel the need to clarify that the plan was always for them not to be home, for me to be 'helping them out' by house sitting. It makes me feel better, ok? Well, plans change now don't they, and really at times like this, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. This whole cancer thing has really shook me up inside. I feel sad, withdrawn, irritable, needy, hungry for candy. Luckily, with the holidays just behind us, being at home, and my grandmother's endless Christmas baking, there has been no shortage of reasons to be irritated, while being hungry for candy, and never disappointed.
Needless to say, I'm feeling (ok, fine - looking...) a little heavier than I'd like, but ever more so I'm feeling tired, which is not new. And if my healthy dad can get Leukemia with no family history of any cancer whatsoever, so too can I. So in true resolution fashion, I figure now's as good a time as any, to start to make better choices, and not ignore the facts. I have been reading a fantastic book called: Hungry for Change (http://www.hungryforchange.tv/) , I highly encourage anyone who struggles with food/weight to check this out. It isn't a diet, it isn't deprivation, and it isn't a fight against your body. It is one of the best educational book I have ever read. It is teaching to give your body what it needs, not what society tells it it wants, and is clearly explaining why the processed foods, of low-fat & diet varieties aren't doing sh*t for your self-esteem, body, or well-being. One of the best things I've learned so far, is the actual danger behind drinking diet sodas, and consumption of aspartame & other various sweeteners. As a self-proclaimed Diet Pepsi addict, I strongly craved at least one can a day. In the morning, I struggle to get out of bed. After lunch, (where I usually have a sandwich of some sort, & a diet pepsi) I always feel incredibly tired. I knew there was something bad about diet drinks, but never looked into it. Turns out they can be incredibly harmful to the brain, and are as, or more, addictive than heroin. I heeeeaaaaarrrrddd that sister! So step one: no more diet, low-fat, low-cal nothin'. They say that because those types of 'food' are void of any real nutritional value, you are constantly searching for more food to satisfy. That if you just ate less of items that were all natural, no matter what the fat/cal/sugar content, you would be satiated, and have more energy. Sounds rational.
All to say this Tuesday I will start my first detox for 3-7 days, to curb my addiction to sugar & chemicals. The detox consists of fresh vegetable juice, salads, soups, & snacks. Which is already looking better than slim-fast (a diet I did for my high school grad trip to Cuba which had me lose 20 lbs, still looking flabby, and only to return home to eat endless amounts of McDonalds cheesburgers to fill the void that had been lacking for the months previous and gaining 30lbs back.) and the cabbage soup diet, where again I lost weight to only gain more back.
My goal is to not stress about it, hope for the best, not stress if I slip, & just add in as many good things as I possibly can until there is no longer room for the bad. All in hopes of bringing this diet forward to my whole family for when my dad is strong enough to come home, and we can do it together.
Thursday 29 November 2012
The storming
When I initially decided to write a blog - I actually had no idea what it was going to say/what I really wanted to say. I am having a restless night tonight after watching the 'what if money didn't matter' youtube video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nif01WZ9aI . I really struggled with the question, because, fact of the matter is - my first response was to do nothing. Nothing?! No no no I said to myself, trying to think of all the things I have ever wanted to do but don't for fear of no security: Actress! No no no, I hate the idea of fame, and the public scrutiny. Psychologist? Yes yes yes, I wonder how much I could charge per hour, $100 seems fair, but then again if I wanted to make higher than decent money I would have to book at least 5 clients per day for a minimum of 4 days per week, and work at least 42 weeks.... AGH, wait - that went wrong. I wanted(needed) to definitively know that being "something" was what I wanted, be it actress, writer, athlete or anything else with a category title, so that I could purse it & perhaps belong to it. But that has never been me. And while I can't even believe my own answer because it sounds so lazy to say out loud, it is my truth. I have always wished I could stop the whirlwind around me. That I could live life on my own terms instead of everyone else's. That these rules we live by didn't have to apply to me. If money didn't matter - I would want to do a heck of a lot of nothing.
I thought about what the nothing would look like for me. Waking up leisurely, making coffee, and reading the paper. Sauntering around my bright house, watching a television program, heading to the store to buy some fresh produce, having a nap on the chaise lounge by the sunny window in the front room(because apparently in this world I have a sitting room in the front and back of my house haha)...I mean everything I am seeing looks really good, and most importantly what I see none of is stress. Kaleidoscope: Floating from scene to scene, light as a feather, real as a ghost. Always smiling, and glowing with serenity, kissing strangers lightly on the cheeks & singing in the car to unusually cheerful tunes for my taste. Sickening for sure, but lovely.
The thing is that all of that bliss appears only in day one. When I think of what day 2 would look like, it's a lot emptier, lonelier, somewhat similar to how I've been recently imagining life if I ever won the lottery. Saying to myself, now what is the PURPOSE?
I thought about what the nothing would look like for me. Waking up leisurely, making coffee, and reading the paper. Sauntering around my bright house, watching a television program, heading to the store to buy some fresh produce, having a nap on the chaise lounge by the sunny window in the front room(because apparently in this world I have a sitting room in the front and back of my house haha)...I mean everything I am seeing looks really good, and most importantly what I see none of is stress. Kaleidoscope: Floating from scene to scene, light as a feather, real as a ghost. Always smiling, and glowing with serenity, kissing strangers lightly on the cheeks & singing in the car to unusually cheerful tunes for my taste. Sickening for sure, but lovely.
The thing is that all of that bliss appears only in day one. When I think of what day 2 would look like, it's a lot emptier, lonelier, somewhat similar to how I've been recently imagining life if I ever won the lottery. Saying to myself, now what is the PURPOSE?
Tuesday 11 October 2011
The beginning.
This is the beginning for me. I am going to find my true happiness & motivation. I want to be better, live better, & have more balance between work & living. To find the balance where work is living and vice versa. I will find the passion that will drive me to where I know I want to be. I will.
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