When I initially decided to write a blog - I actually had no idea what it was going to say/what I really wanted to say. I am having a restless night tonight after watching the 'what if money didn't matter' youtube video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nif01WZ9aI . I really struggled with the question, because, fact of the matter is - my first response was to do nothing. Nothing?! No no no I said to myself, trying to think of all the things I have ever wanted to do but don't for fear of no security: Actress! No no no, I hate the idea of fame, and the public scrutiny. Psychologist? Yes yes yes, I wonder how much I could charge per hour, $100 seems fair, but then again if I wanted to make higher than decent money I would have to book at least 5 clients per day for a minimum of 4 days per week, and work at least 42 weeks.... AGH, wait - that went wrong. I wanted(needed) to definitively know that being "something" was what I wanted, be it actress, writer, athlete or anything else with a category title, so that I could purse it & perhaps belong to it. But that has never been me. And while I can't even believe my own answer because it sounds so lazy to say out loud, it is my truth. I have always wished I could stop the whirlwind around me. That I could live life on my own terms instead of everyone else's. That these rules we live by didn't have to apply to me. If money didn't matter - I would want to do a heck of a lot of nothing.
I thought about what the nothing would look like for me. Waking up leisurely, making coffee, and reading the paper. Sauntering around my bright house, watching a television program, heading to the store to buy some fresh produce, having a nap on the chaise lounge by the sunny window in the front room(because apparently in this world I have a sitting room in the front and back of my house haha)...I mean everything I am seeing looks really good, and most importantly what I see none of is stress. Kaleidoscope: Floating from scene to scene, light as a feather, real as a ghost. Always smiling, and glowing with serenity, kissing strangers lightly on the cheeks & singing in the car to unusually cheerful tunes for my taste. Sickening for sure, but lovely.
The thing is that all of that bliss appears only in day one. When I think of what day 2 would look like, it's a lot emptier, lonelier, somewhat similar to how I've been recently imagining life if I ever won the lottery. Saying to myself, now what is the PURPOSE?
